Obligatory Introduction Post: AKA, what this is all about.

It is really strange how five months can either pass by in a blink of an eye, or feel like they drag on slowly day-by-day.  I felt both of these ways about my time spent in Japan. From almost the minute I landed in Narita airport there was this constant clock ticking down how much time I had left in the back of my mind. I often felt anxiety on a daily basis, not because I was homesick like others in my study abroad group, but because I didn’t want to leave. The months seemed to go by at warp speed for me, and before I knew it I was saying goodbye to some of the best people I have ever met. But looking back on my time in Tokyo it feels much longer, like I spent years not months there. Maybe I feel that way because I really gave it my all while I was there and really emerged myself as much as I could. Since returning from Japan time has also been strange for me. Most of the time it feels like it drags. However, it’s now the new year, and in little over a month it will be a year since I left Tokyo. That seems unbelievable to me since it feels like it was just yesterday.

Me standing in front of the famous Kinkakuji (金閣寺) temple in Kyoto in the POURING rain. Yeah, that was part of the "hardest thing I have ever done" half.

I can honestly say that living there was both the hardest and best thing I have ever done.  In some ways I think I was very much prepared for my life in Japan, but in other ways I felt very cheated by my University and by my study abroad program (CIEE) for not preparing me mentally for some of the challenges I would face. Looking back at my 20 year old self, having just transferred to Grand Valley State University and entering my first semester of Japanese class, I laugh at how I used to view Japan. I think most people who have and interest in Japan have a very skewed view of it, and it is not really their fault. Japan exports itself focusing on both the strange and the traditional aspects of it’s culture, and at least in America we focus on that. Ask any person off the street what they think of when they think of Japan and I bet most of the answers will either be Geisha or Anime.  Most “fans” of Japan go their whole life with only a superficial interest of it, and really that is ok. It’s ok if you are only in to anime, collecting hello kitty memorabilia, worshipping jpop idols, etc. But in order to really understand what is, and what it means to truly be “Japanese”, I think you have to spend some time there. None of the students who came into my Japanese classes to speak about their time in Japan told me anything REAL about living in Japan. None of them said anything about how attached you become to so many things. None of them said anything about how hard certain things would be. None of them said anything about how painful life after returning from Japan would be. I don’t want to sound too dramatic here or anything, but really it’s the truth. Looking back I wonder if any of them went through these things at all, or is it just some kind of big secret kept by those who experience it? Maybe they didn’t want to scare people away from studying aboard by being too honest.

 Do I look depressed enough in this picture?

Well, I’m going to be honest, my name is Missy (a nickname used by my friends that I almost prefer to my real one) and I suffer from Post-Japan Depression. If you have ever studied abroad in Japan before and have returned I’m sure you have experienced this as well, and know that it is different from reverse-culture shock. But for those of you who don’t know what I am talking about I guess I should give an explanation, though I will save the heavy details for a future post. In my case (as I am sure that each person can experience it differently, and if you would like to share your experience feel free in the comments) I have experienced P.J.D mostly in the loss of interest in being motivating in anything. I often find myself longing to go back to Japan, even though I feel like if I ended up living long term there I would be unhappy. Because the way I think as an American and the way the Japanese think, while similar in some ways, also clash at times. I have no delusions that I am Japanese, because I’m not (and honestly the foreigners that think they really are kind of creep me out). But I do admire the culture more than any other, and I am constantly learning from them. I have adapted a more Japanese mentality over the years since I started showing real interest in Japan, and certainly since living there, but I will always be more American than Japanese. Back to what P.J.D is to me, well I lost my motivation in that I am 24 years old and still living with my parents, I have a part-time job at a library that is going nowhere, and I spend most of my days off being extremely lazy, distracting myself with watching Asian dramas/variety shows/movies and playing Facebook games and The Sims 3, instead of focusing on real responsibilities. I’m escaping from my own reality, and it really is quite pathetic since I am now graduated from college with a degree in Creative Writing and East Asian Studies and I seem to be going nowhere. I often have dreams that I am back in Japan, and there are times when I feel overwhelming sadness because I either miss my host family, my friends, places I used to go, or just little everyday life things from my time spent in Japan. When having conversations with family and friends I often find myself say things like “The Japanese do it like this…” “This would never happen in Japan…” “Oh, one time in Japan…” constantly comparing life now to life in Japan. I am conscious of this though now and have made and effort to hold back at times. This is basically what Post-Japan Depression has been for me, the feeling of being stuck in two places seemly unable to move forward from past experiences.

 Tokyo, used to be my land of opportunity.

I plan to right myself and learn to deal with P.J.D. Since it is the New Year I am making it my New Years Resolution to keep this blog so I can have a place where it is ok to talk about Japan and the experiences I had there. One of my best friends from college who lives and works in Japan started a Japan blog last year (check it out: Spooning With A Schoolboy), and through reading her blog and discovering other Japan blogs through hers I felt inspired to start my own. I think looking back and writing about experiences I had will be really therapeutic for me. Also, I have had months to reflect on things now and have a better understanding and view on things. I kept a blog of sorts while I was actually there studying abroad, but it was more to let my family and friends back home know what I was up to in Japan, and I also got lazy with updating it the last couple months I was there. I got lazy partly because I was very busy, and partly because I didn’t want to face the fact that I would be leaving soon. So, this will be a more detailed account of my time there and good writing practice (since I am an aspiring writer but haven’t felt much like writing at all in a very long time, I’m so rusty!). I promise this isn’t going to be a “woe is me” type of blog, but I do want to make it ok to talk about what some people experience after living in Japan, and my own struggle to find some inner peace and where to move on from here. I also follow the Japanese  pop-culture scene pretty closely so I may post something related to whatever is in the headlines from time to time (like OMG what is up with Hamasaki Ayumi pulling a surprise wedding on us?). I also have a ton of photos and some videos that and would like to sort through and share. 

 Chicago, land of new opportunity! Hopefully.

2010 seemed so promising to me because it started off in Japan and it was my year, the year of the tiger (born in 86! Represent! :D ), and while a lot of really awesome things did happen, I did experience a different and new kind of low from time to time too. My resolution last year was to learn how to cook (more) and to move out of my parent’s house. I was really only half successful and not really satisfied. My cooking has improved and I’m going to keep working on that this year too (especially since I received some new cookbooks for Christmas!) but I’m still living at home so I feel like a failure on that part. However, I do have a plan. I am saving up and this spring I plan to move to Chicago (just across the “pond” as I currently live in Southwestern Michigan) with one of my best friends Anna. She also spent time studying abroad (though not at the same time as I did, and she was in Osaka) and her Dad works in Tokyo. We are both a little unsure of our future, but starting over in a new place (more importantly a city with public transportation, and not the small town I’m in now) will hopefully help us both find something worth doing. As for returning to Japan, for the time being I am not looking to work there (mainly because the only job I really know of for me there would be teaching English, and well fine for some I just don’t see myself doing that) but Anna and I are hoping to take a vacation there in the spring of 2012. So 2011 is going to be about new goals, carving out a new place for myself, letting go of the past, not to mention saving money like crazy!